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Why Hala was wrong to dump Mark

Posted in Irshaddering Thoughts, Q & A on May 31, 2008

You’ll find out in a moment who Hala and Mark are. First:

Are you a Muslim who’s struggling with the multifaceted crapola committed in the name of Allah? You’re not alone. And you can get help right here.

Take, for example, the inter-faith marriage blessing.  This document supports Muslims who want to marry non-Muslims.  It’s written by a professor and imam who exercises ijtihad, Islam’s own tradition of critical thinking.  He re-interprets the Quran so that Muslim women know why, in the 21st century, they can love thy neighbor enough to get hitched with him.

The issue is growing. Fast.  Just last week, the Washington Post quoted a local imam as saying, “Anytime there is a program at the mosque about these things, it’s completely packed.”  The Post went on to report: “Islamic tradition, not law, holds that a Muslim man can intermarry, but not a woman…”

That distinction between tradition and law is key.  History may frown upon a Muslim woman marrying a non-Muslim man, but the Quran? Far more ambiguous.  No wonder young Muslims are busting their community’s bigotry by downloading and circulating the inter-faith marriage blessing — in 19 languages.

With that in mind, I have good news, bad news and promising news.

First, the good news: Two of the couples featured on the inter-faith marriage page have new babies to celebrate. And are they ever cuties! (The couples, not just the babies.)

Now for the bad news: The inter-faith marriage blessing doesn’t persuade everyone that love should conquer all.  As the Post pointed out, a recent poll of Muslim Americans found that “54 percent of women said inter-faith marriage is acceptable, compared with 70 per cent of men.”

Which brings us, finally, to Hala and Mark.

Mark is a Christian in California. He wrote me a message a few days ago.  When I asked if he’d let me share it with you, he agreed on condition that I’d change his ex-girlfriend’s name to “Hala” to respect her privacy.  Mark’s letter:

“I was deeply in love with Hala, the most compassionate, most intelligent, most beautiful Shia Lebanese-American woman. She was very progressive in all things.

But she was adamant that in order for us to marry, I would have to convert from Christianity to Islam. I showed Hala your website and the inter-faith marriage blessing written by Imam Khaleel. In the end, Hala felt that if I did not convert, any marriage would be invalid and she would be living in sin.

I believe Islam is a great religion. But I also feel that you have to accept the other person for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Ultimately, that is what kept us from a lifetime of happiness.

It is not the ending I wanted, Irshad, but thank you for giving me the hope that this might have worked out.”

Wait. Dude’s thanking me for showing that he didn’t have to be ditched by the love of his life — even though that’s exactly what happened to him? Where’s the hostility, the rage, the “Islamophobia”?

Hence the promising news: If I’ve given Mark “hope,” then he’s done the same — for all inter-faith couples. He didn’t lapse into bitterness or bigotry over Hala’s decision to break up with him. You can still hear the love in his letter.

But beyond emitting a compassionate vibe, Mark sent me a follow-up email with concrete information that’s sure to empower future families:

“I understand the concern that if a husband is not Muslim, the couple’s children will be at risk of not being raised in the Muslim faith.

However, I found an interesting interview with Dr. Nuryamin Aini. He conducted a study of inter-faith couples in Indonesia and found that a non-Muslim man and Muslim woman are more likely than a Muslim man and non-Muslim woman to raise their children in Islam.

In other words, some of these inter-faith concerns may be unfounded or at least misplaced.”

To say the least, boyfriend! I’m peeved that raising one’s children within a single faith should be any condition of “inter-faith” marriage. What’s the point of marrying someone who’s religiously different if you’re going to shield your kids from exploring those differences?

Still, Mark has done us a massive favor. The research he’s brought to light can be ammo for calming the jitters of Muslim parents and grandparents. Idealism alone won’t do it. They likely need the assurances of academics.

So give your anxious Muslim mum and dad the Indonesian study, along with the inter-faith marriage blessing, and emphasize that both are produced by — that magical combination of words — “Muslim scholars.” Then get on with your wedding plans.

A final bit of advice: Before you head off to the honeymoon, remember Mark. Not because he needs your pity but because he deserves your gratitude. Email your thank-you notes to him care of this website: comments@irshadmanji.com. I’ll make sure Mark gets your good wishes.

God knows he’s got mine.