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Your letters - posted May 8, 2006

Posted in Q & A on May 08, 2006

Posted May 8, 2006

After several weeks of cartoon wars, manifestos for freedom, death threats in response to the manifestos, and petitions to oppose the death threats, it’s high time for a little humor. During the past couple of months you’ve sent me jokes to lighten things up. Some of these are real groaners. Herewith, the best of the worst…

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After take-off, the Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I need to get up and get a Coke.”

“Don’t get up,” said the Marine. “I’m in the aisle seat. I’ll get it for you.”

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine’s right shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with a Coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I’d really like one, too.” Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the other Arab picked up the Marine’s left shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“Why does it have to be this way?” he asked. “How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?”

How many religious extremists does it take to change to a light bulb?

One.

He holds the bulb while the Universe revolves around him.

This story concerns someone who dies and goes to heaven. The Angel Gabriel receives her and then gives her a tour. He shows her the Christian section, the Jewish section, and areas for people of other faiths.

Then they come to a tall and forbidding brick wall. Gabriel starts to tip-toe past. The person asks, “Hey, who gets locked up in there?”

“Quiet!” whispers Gabriel. “That’s the Muslim section. They think they’re the only ones up here!”

Irshad, I deeply appreciate your sense of humor. If that and Rumi could be milk-shaked into some new “excessive laughter” religion, with you as a prophetess, I would be one of your first companions. In the meantime, this is to tell you about a contest of anti-Semitic caricatures by Jews (filthy goyim not allowed). It’s our answer to the cartoon wars.

Salman Rushdie, the sub-human Muslim-hater, crosses a street. A Muslim driver, way above the speed limit and drunk as hell, kills him instantly without even noticing. At the next turn of the road, this driver loses all control of his car and slams into the wall of a mosque, dying instantly. What will be his reward in the afterlife?

A. 70 virgins
B. Nothing, because of the alcohol
C. Nothing, because of the absence of intention to kill
D. Nothing, damage was done to the mosque
E. Nothing, there is no afterlife at all
F. A lecture by Karl Marx on religion

WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU…

You are Jewish and so you are marked for death.

You are Christian and so you are marked for death.

You are atheist and so you are marked for death.

You are American and so you are marked for death.

You are Western European and so you are marked for death.

You are Australian and so you are marked for death.

You are homosexual and so you are marked for death.

You are Salman Rushdie and so you are marked for death.

You are a member of the European press who has produced offensive cartoons of the Prophet Mohammad and so (you guessed it) you are marked for death.

You are the rare and brave Muslim who has vocalized serious reservations about co-religionists who demonize Jews and the West, derogate other religions, praise anger as the noblest of all emotions, position victimhood as the ultimate dignity, choose violence as the tactic of first resort, and blame others for all the ills of society, and so you, too, are marked for death.

The good news?

You are a non-Western Muslim woman, so you’re really lucky.