Archives

Your letters - posted June 15, 2006

Posted in Q & A on Jun 15, 2006

Posted June 15, 2006

Summer is typically a busy season for wedding planners. Flowers are ordered. Cakes baked. Dresses designed. Families torn asunder by disputes over whose name should be first on the invitation. It’s a big stress-fest. But a fest it is.

So what what are all the Muslim/non-Muslim couples out there doing? If the emails I get are any indication, they’re sweating about whether Islam permits marriage outside of the faith. Or how to convince non-Muslim parents that it’s ok to have Muslim in-laws. Or whether any Muslim cleric will officiate an inter-religious wedding. Book the DJ and read on…

“I’m a British-born Sikh male who is deeply in love with a Muslim girl. Is it forbidden to marry a non-Muslim in Islam? My girlfriend has never encouraged me to convert to Islam and neither have I told her to convert to Sikhism. We are so deeply in love that it has come to a point where we are unbreakable and neither can leave each other. I’m ready to fight for her, even if it means that some members of my family will go against me. But she is so scared of what her parents may do or say to her. I would love to marry her and she feels the same about me. Any advice?” - Bal

Irshad replies: Read this. It’s an Islamic defense of inter-faith marriage. The defense comes directly from an imam, Khaleel Mohammed, who also teaches Islam at San Diego State University. Prof. Mohammed studied at traditional Islamic institutions in Saudi Arabia and Syria. He took his Ph.D. In Islamic law at McGill University. The guy knows what he’s talking about. And even if your girlfriend’s Muslim parents reject his interpretation, they can never say that no imam would have blessed their daughter’s marriage.

As for your Sikh family: Ask them how they feel about being more bigoted than Muslims. I mean, if Islam is capable of accepting marriage outside of the faith, is it really a source of pride that Sikhism can outdo Islam on the prejudice scale? Oy vey.

“I’ve been dating a girl for almost five months now and she’s Muslim. Her family’s pretty liberal – she doesn’t wear any headscarves, played sports, exposed skin (*gasp*) and didn’t attend a madressa. The fact that she’s a practicing Muslim never really mattered to me. She questions some of it, but accepts it because that’s ‘the way its always been.’ Her mom’s a convert and their family is mixed Indian and Chinese. I knew some of the implications going into the relationship, but it was a combination of me not knowing enough and having the naïve hope that since her family was mixed and not completely Muslim (at the beginning of their marriage), they’d be accepting of who I am - an atheist.

Now her parents found out and they weren’t very pleased for two reasons: 1) we snuck behind their backs (understandably so) and 2) I’m not Muslim. I really only found out about the whole marriage thing (Muslim men marry anyone, but Muslim women only marry Muslim men) mid-way through the relationship, and I guess I naively believed that they’d bend the rules since we felt so strongly about each other. They didn’t. Their ultimatum for me was that I convert or get lost.

I’ve honestly considered converting to be with her, but I’m searching for a better reason. Religion should be a spiritual self-discovery, right? Well, I can’t see myself even approaching the idea of conversion if she wasn’t factored into things. I’d like to describe my state of being as religious inertia. I’m not going to convert until I’m pushed to (by the parents) because I’m content and I don’t need anything else at the moment. I’m as strong in my beliefs as they are. It’s just that since these things have been so abrupt and they just want us to cut off all relations, I can’t fathom leaving her and she can’t do the same to me. We’re too hopelessly in love.

If you’re gagging at this point, I understand. I’ve never written to anyone before for advice just because I’ve always thought that I can handle things on my own. But this time it’s different. The intricacies of Islam are confusing and I just need some logical thoughts. What I’m asking is, do I have a chance in hell?” - Richard

Irshad replies: In hell, yes. And quite possibly in heaven, too. First read Imam Khaleel Mohammed’s defense of inter-faith marriage. Then remind your girlfriend’s Muslim parents that the Quran makes room for people who ‘disbelieve.’ Indeed, Islam’s holy book contains three recurring messages that defend freedom of conscience. First, only God knows fully the truth of anything. Second, God alone can punish unbelievers (which makes sense since only God knows what true belief is). Human beings must warn against corrupt practices, but that’s all we can do to encourage piety — warn. Third, our resulting humility sets us free to ponder God’s will, without any obligation to toe a dictated line. “Let there be no compulsion in religion,” states a voice in chapter 2 of the Quran. “Unto you your religion, unto me my religion,” echoes another voice in chapter 109. And in between, there’s this: “If God had pleased He would have made you all one people, but he has done otherwise…” A passage like this suggests that not only is there virtue in tolerating difference, but that the world’s breathtaking multiplicity is part of the divine design.

As an atheist, you might feel uncomfortable quoting from Islamic scripture to make your point. But you’ll be doing a huge favor not just to your relationship with your girlfriend and her parents. You’ll also be serving the cause of Islamic reform. Who knew an atheist could contribute? The Lord works in mysterious ways…

“I am a 1st generation American and I came from a relatively laid back Muslim household. My fiance came from a Lutheran Christian household and he converted to Islam, a decision with which his parents have not been comfortable for some time. His conversion pre-dates me. We would like to have a ceremony that is inclusive and could alleviate his parents’ discomfort with Islam. Do you know of anyone who can help?” - Shahi

Irshad replies: Once again, Dr. Khaleel Mohammed to the rescue. Here’s his advice…

    “From a purely legal standpoint, you can assuage your fiance’s Christian parents by having THEM officiate, on the compromise that they mention nothing against you and your groom’s beliefs. Marriage is essentially a contract. It exists to ensure that ALL know you are wife and husband. Religious people have put their stamp on it, but from an Islamic legal perspective, even a signing at the registrar’s office would be acceptable.

    I appreciate that religion is important to you and your groom. Therefore, you don’t want something legalistic. You want something religious without being particularistic. Here, too, I think that nothing would show the spirit and tolerance of Islam more than to invite your fiance’s Christian parents to conduct the ceremony.

    If they insist on a pastor, you can let them know that you do not wish for any theologically problematic material. If the pastor agrees and then introduces something about Jesus Christ as son of God, that is beyond YOUR responsibility. In such a case, the pastor made an agreement and broke it — and the Quran says that ‘God does not tax a being beyond its ability.’ As long as you agree in good faith, then certainly God knows your noble intention, made all the higher because its purpose is to bring peace and show respect to parents.

    Parents are parents and I predict that if you ask them to conduct the ceremony, they will be happy enough to go along.”

”I have learned a lot about Islam because I am attracted to many Muslim girls, and it happens vice-versa too. The problems I have are:

   1. Forced conversion if I am to marry;
   2. No other alternative open to discussion;
   3. Disgusting manipulation of guilt or alienation by family if the girl marries a non-Muslim (or even thinks about it);
   4. Sunat [established customs];
   5. Strict dietary requirements;
   6. Compulsory prayer 5 times a day;
   7. Wife shouldn’t go out unveiled.

There is no option of an in-between, moderate path, where both end up as spiritual atheists (if religion is even required). Muslims will not tolerate such an option. As a result, I have had to endure painful splits, time and time again.” - Sanj

Irshad replies: Sanj, I have two pieces of good news for you. First, reading the questions and answers above will show you that Islam has the capacity for inclusion. Whether that comforts you is another matter. The second piece of good news is even better: I might have found a soul-mate for you! Read below. No agent’s fee expected…

“I am an American of South Asian and non-Muslim descent who had the unfortunate pleasure of being intimately and emotionally involved with a Pakistani man. A month into our relationship, he told me that he was engaged to his cousin back home. We somehow became very close and were together for a year.

However, when I went overseas, he broke up with me, using the excuse that it was his mother’s dying wish to fulfill his duty and marry his cousin. He even cried and exclaimed his love for me. Why did his mother not come up during our relationship? My bigger question is this: Why do Muslim men have such double standards? We ‘overseas’ women are not good enough for a commitment but are around to be used and abused. Why? Muslim men should not preach purity when they are just as bad as some Western men, if not worse.” - Natasha

Irshad replies: I have two pieces of good news for you, Natasha. First, Muslim men often treat their wives as badly as they treat their girlfriends. Rejoice in the fact that the Pakistani guy didn’t commit. You’re now free. The second piece of news is even better: I might have found a soul-mate for you! Read Sanj’s message above. Let me know if you want his email address.

“Amy” is a Muslim woman who left Morocco at age 20 and now lives in the U.S. Throughout her life, she encountered abuse and hypocrisy at the hands of Muslims: male relatives telling her that she’ll burn in hell for not wearing the hijab, imams warning her against praying for Jewish and Christian friends (or having such friends at all), a mother who threatened to disown her daughters if they married for love instead of honor.

Recently, Amy wrote to say that “I found your book a week ago and it couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I was thinking about leaving Islam.” The book convinced her that there’s value in staying, struggling and challenging the establishment. She might still walk away. So might I. But by seeking to reform Islam from within, we’ll know we didn’t run away.

In that spirit, Amy reviewed irshadmanji.com’s Letters Archive and wrote her own replies to my critics. Below is a sample. This is a great start to becoming a voice of change. May “Amy” use that voice to put her real name on these responses, inshallah.

IRSHAD’S CRITIC: “You possess no intellect or facts, you two-cent, no good lesbo. You simply manipulate your own unholy existence to look decent. A very basic definition of law (in my words) is ’submission to the norms of society’. We are followers, not questioners! God has created us for worshipping in His name, not to second-guess His word. There is no such thing as ‘in my opinion’ in Islam, as I so often hear you say. There is only one principle: total submission to God, our Lord.” - anonymous

AMY’S REPLY: Yeah, we are a bunch of sheep. If there is no such thing as “in my opinion” in Islam, then everything about Islam that is explained by people should be deleted. No more imams. No more mullahs. No more ignoramuses (ie. you) who speak on behalf of God. Thank you for making our point. You did us a favor.

IRSHAD’S CRITIC: “Do you think that just because you have a mind, you should use it? Desist and apologize for your blaspheming ways while you still have a chance. People like you should not exist. It is no wonder there is a hell. Enjoy your short stay in this world for God only knows what is coming to you, Irshad Manji.” - Basit

AMY’S REPLY: “People like you should not exist.” Basit, are you questioning God’s creation? Because He’s the one who chooses Irshad to be here, alive and kicking. You must be a kaffir if you’re saying that God made a mistake. What should we do with you, dear Basit? Maybe hang you?!

IRSHAD’S CRITIC: “You criticize when a woman cannot go outside without the permission of her husband. Well, that is proof of a man’s love for her, that she cares and wants to protect her. Otherwise he’ll say, ‘To hell with wherever she goes! What do I care?’ Look at the plus points, Irshad. It’s not a woman’s duty to work for her mate. He has to provide for her! Which religion will give so much to a woman?”

AMY’S REPLY: I would like to talk about the words that so many Muslim men throw at their wives: “it is because I care for you.” Yes, my father would slap my mother and say “it is because I care for you.” My uncle grilled his wife one day when she stayed out for too long. The care was obvious on his face. I am sorry to say but that is just another way of controlling women.

I have lived with my husband for nine years with 100% freedom. I travel alone even on the days that he works. I have spent time on the beach by myself, walking, swimming, reading. I was never bothered by anyone. I was never hurt or attacked.

The problem with Arab Muslim men is that they won’t give freedom to their wives so their wives can’t learn how to be independent. So when it happens that the wife goes out alone, it is just normal that something bad happens because she is not equipped for it. The husband is then happy to see this and throw out the obvious statement: “you see what I told you? From now on you will listen to my instructions.” It is a vicious cycle and the wife, sister and daughter are trapped in it.

Now, let’s go to your other issue: a woman doesn’t have to work for her mate. Yes, but she can. Many qualified Muslim women are not allowed to work because the man wants to keep control over her. My father promised my mother that she would work after marriage, but once married, my father said: “no way.” I don’t think my mother ever got over that one. She felt cheated. Many women in my country of Morocco go beyond their strength to keep daughters in school because they don’t want them to end up jailed in the house. When you are imprisoned, depression and sickness set in. Today, my mother can’t bring herself to walk in the street because of the way my father kept her at home. Most of the women who are my mother’s age have been controlled, manipulated and beaten by their husbands. Why? “Because I care for you.” Whatever!

IRSHAD’S CRITIC: “I don’t mind women being in power except for the fact that women liberationists tend to blow things out of proportion. I mean, if you’re gay, that’s great, but is it necessary to bring that up all the time? Don’t you think that puts people off from the real issue that you’re trying to get across? If you marry your partner, will you keep your religion and will your partner keep her own religion?? Major religions frown upon gay marriages as well as the partners’ not conforming to the same religions. Doesn’t that annoy you because of what you believe in? It also seems that women liberationists are emotional. When tough decisions need to be made, and you’re put in the dilemma of having to choose between great evils, will you let your emotions get the best of you? Are you sure?!” - Faizal

AMY’S REPLY: I would rather see the love and respect that goes between Irshad and her partner then see an Arab man slap his wife, as my father did to my mother (a very faithful Muslim). And Faizal says that women are the emotional ones. Right. To Irshad and her partner: be happy.

IRSHAD’S CRITIC: “What your book neglects to address is how Muslims can interact with other cultures and the larger world without losing their unique identity. Some Muslims who don’t live in the West have a fear of losing themselves to Western culture. Muslims living in the West, like other immigrants, have to negotiate their values and lifestyles with their host societies. What should that negotiation look like?” - Bongo

AMY’S REPLY: The first thing I was told when I came to the U.S. is to befriend a good, hijab-wearing girl. Befriending Americans was bad for me, my uncle said. He built a wall around his family because non-Muslim people might bring “not so good morals” to his house. Myself, I don’t wear hijab. I don’t even pray the way traditional Muslims do. But I am honest and full of integrity. My new friends are Italian, Hungarian, African-American, Korean and Senegalese. No angry Arabs. And you know what? I now have peace in my life.

IRSHAD’S CRITIC: “To all those who write: Just a word of warning about Ms. Manji! She is a Radical, Leftist, Anti-American! I live here in the Great White North and have the displeasure many times of seeing this puke on TV, bashing Conservative policies. You want to be very careful hitching yourself to this woman!” - Devon, Edmonton, Alberta

AMY’S REPLY: Thank you for the warning but we are grown-up enough to take the risk. Just to tell you, I am in the process of reading all the books that Irshad and other Muslim authors have recommended. I am searching around for more truth. Irshad is actually converting back a lot of people who are upset with Islam. Now tell me what you are doing.

Oh, I forgot, you are watching TV.