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Your letters - posted February 14, 2007

Posted in Q & A on Feb 14, 2007

 

Little Irshad plays the bride in Kampala, Uganda

Posted February 14, 2007

The Muslim Refusenik Valentine’s series just wouldn’t be complete without a sample of the marriage proposals I’ve been getting lately. To those whom I reject: Please know I’m truly flattered by your attention.

And to those who write to emphasize that they’d never, EVER, marry me: Please know I’m truly flattered by your attention.

I begin this update with emails from fans who regard me as the bride of choice. I end with foes who consider me the bride of Frankenstein. But the final email fits neither category. Sometimes the heart has a logic of its own…

“You are very courage NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. I love freedom, can I ask you: I love to marry you. And I am very sincere. Please answer me. Plus I find you very attractive for me as a man, then let’s have babies in Canada.” - Ali, Montreal

Irshad replies: Thanks so much for your kind words about my courage, Ali. I must say that you, yourself, are a brave soul for proposing marriage to me. I receive far more death threats than marriage proposals! In light of the fact that I could be killed anytime, I don’t think it would be responsible for me to bring children into this world. Children need a stable home life. I can’t provide that. So I sincerely suggest you find another nice girl with whom to have babies in Canada.

“I would like to 2 tell U that U are a beautiful lady, gorgeous n intelligent wiv the right curves. U look scintillating wiv ur hair. U married? Got kids? Til I hear from U?” - Dr. Ariganjoye, Lagos State, Nigeria

Irshad replies: My mother always wanted me to marry a doctor. Hmmm….

“Why not just convert to Christianity? That way I could marry you.” - Jay

Irshad replies: Better still, let’s both convert to Buddhism and have no attachment to each other! (I wasn’t impressed with your proposal, Jay, so I feel no bond. Good-bye.)

“Will you marry me?… I just want to let you know I admire you, especially the fact that you aren’t afraid to say exactly what you’re thinking, yet at the same time be tactful and intelligent. I endeavour to be more like you in that respect. I haven’t read your book, but I used to watch your program, Big Ideas, when you were still the host and tonight I caught most of your interview on CNN about the state of Islam in the world today. I’m a Bahai, so we don’t share the same religion, but for what it’s worth I consider you as an ally and a sister because we seem to be fighting for the same things.” - Kazim

Irshad replies: You haven’t yet read my book? How, then, do you expect me to marry you?? If you have an iPOD or MP3 player and would like to hear the book being read in my own voice (consider it pillow talk, big boy), you can purchase the audio files from my online store. Hope you’ll listen and get back to me with a more compelling proposal. Take a tip from the next guy…

“I’m a college student at Rutgers. I loved your booked. Finished it in 5 days. The only book I’ve ever finished in less time is Freakonomics (but don’t feel bad, I’m an economics nut…) I just had one moment of dissent. Towards the end, you grouped Malcolm X with the Dalai Lama, Martin Luther King Jr. and Desmond Tutu. I don’t think Malcolm X belongs in that group. The other three espoused peaceful means of protest and promoted compassion and unity among all people. Malcolm X, however, was the poster-boy for segregation through his insistence on black pride and other forms of nationalism that did little to bring unity between blacks and whites. But I loved the rest of the book. Oh, and I love your hair and your Canadian accent. I’ve also decided that if I ever meet a girl who can write as well as you, I’m marrying her.” - Sri

Irshad replies: Point taken about Malcolm. But after completing the Hajj, Malcolm claimed to have undergone a personal transformation in favour [notice the Canadian spelling] of love, compassion and humanity. His public renunciation of previous inflammatory positions suggests some sincerity on his part. Regardless, I dig a boy who disagrees so respectfully with me. If you’re still single in 15 years, will you drop me another note?

 

Now for those who would never, ever marry me…

“Irshad, are you such a queer stupid piece of shit that doesn’t even know what sex you are? You are trash honey, due the right thing and kill yourself. Thanks.” - Abdul

Irshad replies: I’m killing myself laughing over your inability to spell a two-letter word: do. Please, Abdul, clarify my sexual orientation for me. Would you “due” me?

Abdul replies: “I wouldn’t let you near me you repulsive pile of zionist shit. Disgusting joo buttlicking lesbian whore. I just know you are hoping for more filth to write about muslims, you daughter of the dejal. Please be aware that your your time will come soon enough. Satan calls you dear.”

“God you are so ugly. Can you contact a plastic surgeon to see if he can help you.” - Daoud

Irshad replies: I prefer to be a modest Muslim girl and not obsess with my looks. However, I do have a doctor wanting to marry me (see three letters above). Mashallah, if he’s a plastic surgeon, the god of decadence will have answered your prayers! Keep your fingers, uh, crossed.

“First and foremost, the Ismaili are not Muslim, a sect with own brand of religion. So please do not call yourself a Muslim. You are a lesbian cheap whore who loves money. Your principles and views are hardly a prime example in any society. You are loved by the west only because of your views on Islam that earns you money. You along with others will follow the path of hell here and in hereafter.” - Mahmood

Irshad’s note to readers: Even though I’m not Ismaili, I refrained from replying to Mahmood. He wrote me again…

“Did you know in an interview Idi Amin was asked, why are you throwing the Ismaili Muslims fro Uganda, he replied who told you they are Muslim, he said they are the worst and misguided people on earth. Your friend Rushdie and Asra [Nomani] are no different. One has a harami child, I mean outside wedlock, and the other is harami himself. He is the result of many cultures. You must learn about Islam before you open your mouth.” - Mahmood

Irshad’s note to readers: Despite severe temptation to open my mouth, I still didn’t reply to Mahmood. And sure enough, he wrote me a third time…

“I have not read your book, in fact I will never read such trash written by your twisted mind. You are sick-minded, expert in distorting the facts and giving interpretations that suit you to make money. You are not a Muslim by any means and what’s more you have no idea about Islam, your book is proof of that. As far as sexual habits concern, I am not surprise. Your looks put people off sex for life. You are a cheap and nasty opportunists who loves money.” - Mahmood, London

Irshad finally replies: Let me get this straight, Mahmood. You say “I have not read your book” but then you say my “book is proof” that I “have no idea of Islam.” How would you know if you haven’t read it? Stop making this so easy for me, honey. As for my looks putting people off sex for life, you might be right. And I’m down with that: Celibacy ain’t no crime. But my platonic peeps can still have intellectual sex with me. Read the next letter…

“I have to contradict your letter writers. You are very cute (much better than pretty) if you don’t mind hearing it from a straight guy. It was cute that got me to stop skipping channels when I saw you on CSPAN, but it was YOU that got me to stay until the end of your speech and seek further information. Thank you for being you.” - Ben

Irshad replies: Awwwwww, Benny…

Ben sends a PS: “My mother, when she would see a very handsome gay guy, used to let out a long sight and say ‘Oh, such a waste…!’ I’m afraid I did the same thing.”

Irshad replies: My own mother likes to say to me, “Allah meant to make you a boy. But He changed His mind at the last minute and forgot a few things.” She thinks that’s funny. I’ll stick with your comment about being cute.